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| That is who you think it is. |
Be a 5 year old, deeply imaginative boy in 1998. Staying up late on a school night, I watch in awe as claymation celebrities fight to the death. It's hard to capture the essence of just how vividly I remember Stone Cold using a little tombstone to beat the shit out of Vince McMahon, disassembling him into a million pieces. Full disclosure: I don't know if that's actually how it goes down. I'm just telling you what I remember. We will see if it's true or not.
Welcome to every Every Celebrity Deathmatch Ever, a new series here on the blog. I will continue Every ECW Ever at some point. Right now, however, I'm more focused on this. I loved this show growing up, playing the video game and buying the first full season on my XBox (which, for some reason, I'm not able to access) so I could watch it. Now, I'm going to revisit it, and watch from an adult perspective. This is how the show is supposed to be watched.... right? This was meant for adults. So, I think it'll be pretty cool if I compared how I remember things, to how they actually end up going down. What do I catch now that went over my head as a boy? What did I completely misinterpret? There's only one way to find out. So, with that said.... Let's Get It On!
Match 1: Hillary Clinton vs. Monica Lewinsky
I gotta stop you right there, Celebrity Deathmatch. This is a main event caliber match. I definitely didn't understand the magnitude of the scandal when I was a young kid. This match was hard to comprehend then. Now, it's absurd to me this wasn't a big deal. I did a quick search and nothing about this episode really popped up, so I guess times were different back then.
This was pretty back and forth, but unfortunately we don't get a winner. HilDawg does smash Lewinsky's face into the steel steps and she comes up all deformed, so Clinton definitely came out of the encounter on the better end. However, the true loser is Bill Clinton, who was in the crowd and attempting to get busy with someone in the stands. The balls of the satire back then is really unleveled. From a historical view, I think a winner and loser should be had for every battle. I will be a historical judge, and since we didn't get a finish, we go to a decision. Lewinsky is literally a block head now. Her face gets flattened. I just love the look of the clay figures in this show, by the way. They look great. But given the damage, I have to go with Clinton. Had the match continued, she would have won.
Winner: Hillary Clinton
Match 2: Jim Carrey vs. Mariah Carey
Truth be told, I can't get behind the reason of this matchup. They both have the same last name, kinda. They're spelt differently, first of all. Carrey vs. Carey. They literally show it in the graphic before the match (as seen above). So they're fighting because of that? That's it?
They did their best to remedy the lack of purpose behind these two being in a deathmatch in the first place with a good match. Of course, back in the day, I was rooting for Jim Carrey. I was a big fan back in the day, especially of him in Ace Ventura and Bruce Almighty. I never understood the hype behind Mariah Carey either. This was an easy decision for me. Unfortunately, the result wasn't exactly the desired one. We get our first death of the series. Mariah's loud ass voice makes Jim Carrey's head literally explode. Not a bad win for Mariah Carey. I'm not sure how many times people return in the show, but I want to keep track anyway. I wonder if Carey makes a run down the line?
Winner: Mariah Carey
Match 3: Tim Allen vs. Jerry Seinfeld (Main Event)
Now this is what I'm talking about. I remember watching a ton of Home Improvement as a kid. While I didn't watch Seinfeld, I knew about it and knew it was well regarded. This matchup made a lot of sense. This was a fight for the king of the tv ratings! It's hard for me to pick a favorite in this one. Back then, I definitely was rooting for Tim Allen. Tool time baby!
They set up the main event throughout the show, with the always fantastic Nick Diamond and Johnny Gomez setting up backstage interviews with the cast of Seinfeld. They talk about how they are definitely not upset about the show ending, and they still support Jerry even though he put them out of work. They discuss their future projects, and how they can't wait to be in Jerry's corner later tonight.
The match, however is pretty uneventful, until of course the cast of Seinfeld conduct an NWO style ambush of the ring. They set their sights on Jerry, though, and not Tim! This was a set up! The show ends with the entire cast putting submission moves on Jerry. Jerry is not dead though, as far as I can tell. He is getting choked, but I can't actually guarantee he will die from that. I'm going to call this a win for Tim Allen, although Jerry definitely has an argument for a DQ victory. I don't think there are DQ rules in a world where people are fighting to the death. All that said, Tim gets the win.
Winner: Tim Allen
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A great first episode, and I can't wait to watch the next one. It's hard to describe how much fun it is to watch this show again. It's also a quick watch, so I can fly through a ton and not notice. Check back soon for the second post about the second episode in the Every Celebrity Deathmatch Ever series.
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Hillary Clinton: 1-0
Mariah Carrey: 1-0 (1 Kill)
Tim Allen: 1-0
Jerry Seinfeld: 0-1
Monica Lewinsky: 0-1
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